The Monthly Rollercoaster

This is what my month looks like, with slight variations, but you get the idea.

Day 1-4: Shark Week.  Augh, I am so disappointed AF is here and I'm not pregnant.

Day 4-a few days before ovulation: I hope my cycle is shorter this month.

A few days before ovulation: I have a good feeling. Let's baby dance everyday this week.

A couple days before ovulation: Yes, baby dance day two.  Feeling good about this.

A day before ovulation: Hmm, this is overkill.  Aren't the two days of baby dancing before enough?  Alright fine, but I'm starting to get sore.

Ovulation: YES, OPK positive!  So glad we BD'd yesterday.  Still, just in case, we should BD tonight. So sore.

A day after ovulation: Augh, BD again just for the sake of being sure.  May not be successful on DH's end.

Two days after ovulation:  Ooh, that feels like a cramp.  Is that an implantation cramp?

A week after ovulation: Ooh, that feels like a cramp.  Is that an implantation cramp?

A week before AF: My breasts are sore.  I'm so tired. Maybe I'm pregnant.

A day later:  Still sore, still tired. I should probably stop doing everything that I would stop doing when pregnant. DH must clean the catbox and do all heavy lifting.

A day later: Time to take a HPT.  Negative?  Let me check the chart to see what the accuracy  of HPT at 10 DPO is... oh, that low?  I'll test again in two days.

Two days later:  Take another HPT.  Negative?  Let me check the chart to see what the accuracy of HPT at 12 DPO is... oh, that low?  I'll test again in two days.

Two days later: AF AGAIN?!

Cycle repeat.

I Am Done With My Current OB/GYN Office

I have been avoiding going to my OB/GYN.  Mainly because I think they doesn't give a damn about whether or not I get pregnant as long as they get a co-pay.   It's a husband and wife team that took over the office from a kind hearted, excellent OB/GYN who had retired.  The previous doctor was excellent and I was disappointed when his practice was sold to this couple.

The last time I went to this doctor's office I had a 20 minute wait in the waiting room, then another 20 minute wait for the female doctor to come in and talk to me while I was already in the room and another 20 minutes wait between the talk and the actual exam.  It had taken so long between between the talk and the exam that one of the nurses came in convinced that my appointment was over. 

And when I told the nurse that I hadn't had my exam yet she insisted that I had.  I explained that the Doctor just asked me to disrobe and change into the flimsy paper exam clothes and I was waiting for her to return she insisted AGAIN that my exam was over.  Then she yelled to the Doctor across the hall in Vietnamese (which I understand) "Her exam is over right?"  The Doctor said "No," and finally came in 5 minutes later to perform my exam.


Then, I asked her to run some additional blood work per my Eastern Fertility Specialist's request, she said she would run all the tests on the list but when I got the results, she had only run a fraction of them. 

While I was checking out with the front desk, I heard her on the phone with her husband arguing about who should go see a patient who had been waiting the whole day to be sent home at the hospital.  The patient couldn't leave until she was seen by her OB/GYN and here the couple of doctors were arguing over the phone about how neither one could do it because they were both so busy with patients between their two offices.

I don't want to be waiting in the hospital after surgery or childbirth because my doctor can't appropriately schedule their time.

Plus, the first time I had an appointment at this office, the husband did the exam and he brought in some creepy student that was shadowing him. As if a pap smear with a male OB/GYN was uncomfortable enough, he's got a side kick and the requisite female attendant to make sure there's no funny business.  That's an audience of 3 people in my first appointment with the new doctor and they didn't even ask if it was ok for the student to be there.  Augh.

The female doctor did recommend a prescription for Clomid since I had hit the year mark and I told her I'd hold off and call her if I changed my mind. When I called today to see if she could just send the prescription to my pharmacy and I would pick it up and I'm told that she no longer works in that office and I'll need to come in for a whole new exam.  As though they can't just look at my file?!

I'm done.  I have an appointment with a new OB/GYN next week. 

TTC Straining Our Marriage

DH and I have been fighting. In trying to pinpoint exactly where it all started I realize it's a million different frustrations. Diverging attitudes towards conception, changing priorities and regular disappointment have brought us to a really dark place.

Our first time getting pregnant was so simple and the experience of the miscarriage was so profound that if I had to define where this all started, it would be there. Though DH was sympathetic, he was clear that he simply didn't feel the loss the way that I did.  How could he? No fluctuating hormones or feeling a physical void for him.

We're also very different in being proactive.  When I hit a wall keeping me from something that's this important to me, I'm willing to change it all up to get around the wall, break down the wall, explode it with dynamite.  Whatever.  I am the same about reproduction.  DH, however, believes that my proactive nature is stressing me causing more problems with getting pregnant than helping. He believes, we've gotten pregnant before so we can do it again.

I am obsessed with reading about TTC whether it's online or in books.  DH is skeptical of everything he reads about methods to improve fertility.  He feels like everyone gets pregnant so easily without sacrificing so there's no reason we shouldn't be able to.  I know that we're different and his denial of the fact that we have to do things differently than the majority of other reproductively successful people (aka parents) just makes me feel like I'm fighting this battle alone.

We both took tests to check for issues with our respective "parts" and found that he had a sperm morphology issue.  It seemed simple to me that we should take the natural road and try to adjust it with diet changes before going to meds and labs.  He, instead, found articles that disproved sperm morphology test results and their effects on fertility.  But he humored me.

Because he loves me, he was willing to go alcohol and gluten free because I believed it would help.  And though I was appreciative, it was taxing on him because his sacrifice didn't come from his own belief system but as an act of love towards me.  And when told that it would take at least 3 months before any changes to our diets would have an effect on our TTC chances, he said he couldn't do it for that long.

We argued over whether or not to just treat the problem with conventional medicine.  Clomid, IVF, whatever else happens in a lab. Taking Clomid seemed like a waste since my charts proved I was ovulating. And the idea of getting impregnated in a lab instead of through an act of love brought me to tears.

In turn, the confines of TTC were making him feel trapped.  Unable to simply do what he enjoyed like having a slice of full gluten pizza or a couple of beers whenever he wanted made him resent me. So I caved, it's more important to me to have a happy marriage than stress over marital problems.

And he's back to doing almost everything he was before we got serious about TTC.  Though he is drinking less alcohol, there are no more diet restrictions for him.  But another set of problems has cropped up.  That same resentment for having to bend over backwards for fertility has just manifested itself across the rest of our life.

And truth be told, I'm angry too.  I'm angry a lot of the time.  Angry over things that I don't even have the words to express to him anymore because we've argued about it so much.  Angry because I can't and don't want to change the person he is but in order to reach our goals I have to completely change my life.  Angry that it seems more comfortable to be apart focused on our own distractions than have to deal with each other. Angry that his resentment has grown to resentment over anything I ask him to do. Angry that I can't talk to him about fertility without it devolving into an argument or hurt feelings.

 I don't want to feel this angry.  I don't want to feel let down. I don't want to feel any of this negativity. But I just feel defeated.  I know how that my only solution is to resort to having doctors handle my fertility in a lab because there's nothing else I can do. And I don't want to wait any longer because time is ticking away but I can't try to have a baby when I feel like this in my marriage.

How Far Would You Go?

My husband often teases me what he would call my impressionable mind.  He is stubborn as a mule and has to come to things on his own, first, as in before anyone else.

Me?  I'm willing to try most things to see if it works for me.  And if the wisdom of someone else with more experience can help me get to where I want to go faster, I'm going experience it for myself to see if they're right or not.

When the idea of going gluten free crossed my computer screen and was reaffirmed by my fertility specialist, I had no problem hopping right on board.  DH, on the other hand, was unconvinced. Did I say unconvinced, I mean unwilling to hop on on the G-Free wagon with me.

fast forward a few weeks, DH and I both got tested for fertility purposes.  Unfortunately, DH's results came back with some morphology issues, specifically in the shape of the head.  My results came back normal but I am going back to get progesterone testing done.

Now, he's gluten free too on the off chance that that will improve our fertility chances.

It always astounds me when I have conversations with women (mostly via the ttc forums) where they've been TTCing for years but still drink alcohol.  Or when fellow TTCing women say "I don't think I could go gluten free." Or "I can't give up my morning coffee."

To that I say, how badly do you want it?

I'm pretty much willing to do anything by way of natural fertility to try to have this baby.  Clomid and some other treatments are giving me pause because they just circumvent whatever is wrong in my body causing the infertility issues. But if my natural methods don't work within the next 3 months, I'll go on Clomid too.

But not being willing to give something up in order to try to get pregnant and have a healthy baby?  I consider this a primer on motherhood.

No Baby Venting

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything.  I had planned on sharing:

1. I finally went kayaking in La Jolla instead of Alamitos Bay and was terrible at it.  I have a video that one day I hope to edit and share with ya’ll.

2. I’m taking surfing lessons on Sunday for my birthday!  I might even try to talk J into lunch at Au Lac, a raw vegan place near the beach.

3. I’ve been working out and eating fairly well the past few days all due to the fact that J is waking up earlier and isn’t laying in bed enticing me to snuggle up and go back to bed in the morning (aka prime workout time.)

But what I am going to share instead is the fact that I’m still not pregnant.  And if I already didn’t notice, I have 2 moms who have suggestions like:

“Have you tried measuring your temperature” or “Do you want to go some Chinese herbs?”

They obviously mean well but we’ve only been trying again for 2 months, isn’t it a little too soon to try romance killing fertility methods? Are they just as disappointed as I am that there’s no bun in the oven?

Because I can’t tell you how devastated I feel every time Shark Week comes around.