First, I want to thank everyone for their kind words, thoughts and prayers. You all are amazing, and J said that you were all such a wonderful group of people after reading all the comments and messages. But you know, I already knew that!
I thought I would write something on my experience yesterday because it’s cathartic, but also to remember what happened and to talk about little things that might be valuable to someone else going through this.
TMI: I woke up yesterday morning with a brown discharge when I went to the restroom. When I googled the symptom, most posts and responses on the topic said that it was no issue. Some even called into their doctors and were told not to worry. That they didn’t need to come in to be checked up. I called my doctor anyway and he had me come in.
That made me feel good. Thankful that he’s so overcautious, which is what I thought he was being. I also figured I might get to see an ultrasound which I’ve been wanting forever anyway. J wanted to come with me and was trying to get out of a work meeting to get there. I even told him that it wasn’t important, that he didn’t need to come. I had another appointment scheduled for next week so it’s not like he wouldn’t see the ultrasound.
So I was not prepared. I genuinely believed that nothing was wrong.
When the doctor performed the ultrasound, he couldn’t find the baby. He said he was concerned that I had implanted with a bad egg. The fetus should have started to migrate to the front area readable by an ultrasound already. Then he tried the vaginal ultrasound where he did find the embryo, measured it, couldn’t see the heart beat and told me that the embryo had stopped growing at about 6 or 7 weeks.
I’m kind of in disbelief but I can’t see the heartbeat either. Just a little bean completely still.
At this point what he’s telling me is kind of a blur. He’s explaining how I’ll need to come back so he can perform a procedure to clear my uterus and prevent hemorrhaging. But I’m just starting to realize everything that this means and try to hold back the tears and concentrate.
But I can’t. He tries to comfort me and tells me that it’s very common, that 20% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, that it doesn’t affect my ability to get pregnant in the future. That most women will experience a miscarriage in their life. His words were just making it impossible to hold back the tears. I took my return appointment card and rushed out of the office to my car when J calls and I start crying hysterically.
And I don’t really stop crying for a couple hours. My mom came over and after a bit of time I stop crying because she’s such a strong woman I feel weak crying in front of her. And it worked, because I haven’t hysterically cried since.
She said something to the effect of how it just wasn’t meant to be. That wasn’t the baby I was meant to have. She reminds me that when she was pregnant with me, I survived a refugee camp and her falling out of a hammock 2-3 times.
I thought about how I should have known something was wrong because I hadn’t been as tired lately, my chest wasn’t as sore, I wasn’t getting nauseous. I thought I was just getting used to the pregnancy. Then I felt worse.
After my mom left I fell asleep and when I woke up I felt awful because the first thing I realized was that I was alone. Not that J wasn’t there but that for the first time in a month, I didn’t have the baby with me. Kind of empty and aimless.
It’s hard for me to believe that this was so painful after just a short time. The combination of the loss, plus worries about my future fertility and possibly going through this again and feeling bad about myself as though there might be something wrong with me was completely overwhelming yesterday.
Today is better. I think about all the things I’ll do before the next time I’m pregnant (like make sure I have my vaccinations, painting the baby’s room so I won’t be exposed to the off gassing, taking prenatals 2 months in advance, etc.), or while I’m pregnant in the future or even having hope that I will get pregnant in the future.
Mostly I think about the things I’m grateful for, like J being so amazing during this whole thing, my family who are not usually sentimental being completely sappy, my friends who sent me flowers and just let me talk, this wonderful Tumblr/Fitblr community, and the ability to lose some weight and get healthier before we try again.
